I like a Kurdish man - I progress this if he's not married?

[LtStarbuck99]

I live in an English city with a growing Kurdish population. I recently met someone I like who I believe is an Iraqi Kurd. I am Pakistani (Muslim) and in my 30s. I rarely seem to like anyone, in fact, I told my family I don't want to get married because I don't like men from my background.

He manages my local car wash. I've seen him on two occasions. The first time, there was a mix up with my service and it meant I didn't have the money to cover the valet and I owed them money. When I returned two months later (I was busy ), I was talking to another worker from my car when he came over to my car and asked how I was. The way he spoke to me and the way he was smiling kind of confirmed he liked me. I thought he was very attractive but got very shy (I get shy around people I like especially if they appear to be hitting on me in front of an audience) and started explaining I was busy and hadn't a chance to drop the money off (when he hadn't asked!) , all whilst not making any eye contact with him! and instead looking away from both of them and half making eye contact with the other worker (so he walked away thinking I was not interested .

I have been there twice since and he's not been there. I realised I actually like him and don't want him to find someone else. However I'm not sure if he is married and not sure how to find out. We both come from conservative backgrounds, I don't go out with men in the traditional sense but I want to get to know him for marriage. Now it's in my head, I feel a bit sad going back because I feel like I'm chasing him (and I know it's my fault for missing my chance!). How can I find out if he's married so I can cut my losses or progress it if he's not?

It gets worse.

I told my sister and she went and asked the wrong man if he was married. I think he is the brother (they look similar) of the man I like.

Is there a classy and elegant of playing this? Shall I just leave it and hope I see him when I see him and it plays out like a romcom?

[Papillon2017]

Hi and welcome,

It is not a shame to 'chase' a bit a Kurdish man because their girls are more freer to speak to men and to going outside without veil and all that stuff (except if the family is very religious). You can look at him and talk to him directly, it is ok.

In Kurdistan as in Turkey, men and women don't live separated. Kurdish boys and men are VERY shy, but the girls and the women less (or not at all, lol) because they have the power to start a relation, with innocent half-joking half serious way.

Moreover, I don't know how Paskistani lovers deal with good or bad reputation, but Kurdish boys and men (and Iranians) wait for encouraging signals from the girls or women. If not, they fear to be accused of disrespect, sexual offense, etc. So if you don't send the message that it is ok become closer, he might think you are not interested.

If you meet him again, try to break the ice, with ordinary talking, jokes, etc. These first steps are up to you. If he is interested, he will keep going on the relations.

About the marriage : it depends how old is he and if he has money or not, and if he is a bachelor in UK, is he also a bachelor in his own country ? (you know what I mean).

Only his own family (where do live his parents ?) or his friends know the truth.In fact, the Kurdish world is very very small so if you could learn his name, his original place, his tribe, etc. you could easily find other Kurds knowing everything about him.

[LtStarbuck99]

Hi and welcome,

It is not a shame to 'chase' a bit a Kurdish man because their girls are more freer to speak to men and to going outside without veil and all that stuff (except if the family is very religious). You can look at him and talk to him directly, it is ok.

In Kurdistan as in Turkey, men and women don't live separated. Kurdish boys and men are VERY shy, but the girls and the women less (or not at all, lol) because they have the power to start a relation, with innocent half-joking half serious way.

Moreover, I don't know how Paskistani lovers deal with good or bad reputation, but Kurdish boys and men (and Iranians) wait for encouraging signals from the girls or women. If not, they fear to be accused of disrespect, sexual offense, etc. So if you don't send the message that it is ok become closer, he might think you are not interested.

If you meet him again, try to break the ice, with ordinary talking, jokes, etc. These first steps are up to you. If he is interested, he will keep going on the relations.

About the marriage : it depends how old is he and if he has money or not, and if he is a bachelor in UK, is he also a bachelor in his own country ? (you know what I mean).

Only his own family (where do live his parents ?) or his friends know the truth.In fact, the Kurdish world is very very small so if you could learn his name, his original place, his tribe, etc. you could easily find other Kurds knowing everything about him.

[cigerxwen13]

welcome @LtStarbuck99 to roj bash cafe
what a cute beautiful story you are sharing with us,
I agree with Papillon2017 I think Kurdish men are shy but they are presistant and loyal once you give them the clear signal that is okay to come to talk to you they will... how about go and ask him on his opinion on something...or ask him where is he from and tell him if you could teach you kurdish dance

[Anthea]

I feel that I must put a spanner in the works

As you yourself are over 30 does that mean the Kurd of your dreams is also around 30 years of age?

Most Kurdish men marry relations, often cousins, in their 20s or even earlier

Kurdish families from the rural areas would never agree to their sons marrying a non-Kurd

When it comes to families Kurds always respect the wishes of their parents and elders, in fact disrespecting someone in their family is about the worst thing a Kurd could ever do

The Kurdish community is close knit and if you know his name, his surname will be the name of his tribe, it is easy to find information about him

Or should I say that it is easy for Papillon2017 and myself to find information about someone BUT both Papillon2017 and I have been mixing with Kurds for a great many years

Though Kurds normally do not lie they are unlikely to give you much, if any, information because this man is probably an illegal immigrant, most Kurds working in car washes are

SORRY

[Papillon2017]

It depends also on the origins of the Kurds. There are big differences if they are originated from Syria, Turkey, Iraq or Iran. And the age of their marriage depends also on their own economical situation. A poor worker earns not enough money to 'buy' a motehr in law

[Anthea]

First people must understand that Kurdish wives belong to their husbands families and even if their husbands become violent, their own families will not normally accept them back

On average, I would say that Kurds in Syria are among the best educated and the Kurdish ladies generally well educated and less likely to marry young

In Turkey Kurds almost always marry a cousin. Kurdish mothers in rural areas push their sons to marry young so that when they go to work in the tourist areas of Turkey, their mothers have fit healthy daughter-in-laws to help them around the home and farm

In Iran the only way a man has of communicating with woman is to marry them

In Iraq Kurds have more pride in themselves and their country than anywhere else and girls have more choice in whom they can marry

[Papillon2017]

In Iraq Kurds have more pride in themselves and their country than anywhere else and girls have more choice in whom they can marry

The reason is also that many young Kurdish men died under Saddam's rule and then girls had to find husbands out of their own family. So slowly the traditionnal cousins' marriage started to decrease. Nowadays the reason is that most of young men aspire to leave the country to study or to work in Western countries.

Another reason is that a marriage in Iraqi Kurdistan is terribly expansive, because of the rent of housing, the low incomes, etc. So they prefer to marry abroad.

[Anthea]

Another reason is that a marriage in Iraqi Kurdistan is terribly expansive, because of the rent of housing, the low incomes, etc. So they prefer to marry abroad

Also if Kurds marry abroad they do not have to invite the entire tribe/village and can keep the number of
guests down a mere thousand or so

Let's not forget the cost of the henna party which is about half as expensive as the wedding party